I got this from an email my best friend sent me. I thought they were so funny that I had to put them on my page.
1. Well, wasn't today just a total fucking waste of makeup...?!
2. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
3. Do I look like a fucking people person?
4. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
5. Well, aren't we just a ray of fucking sunshine?
6. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
7. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
8. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
9. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
10. I wish for a world of peace, harmony, & nakedness.
11. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
12. Let me show you how the guards used to do it...
13. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
14. Allow me to introduce my selves.
15. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
16. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
17. Better living through denial.
18. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
19. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
20. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
21. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
22. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
23. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
24. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
25. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
26. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
27. One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.
28. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
29. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
30. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
31. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
32. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
33. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!
34. Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.
35. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
36. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
37. Just smile and say "Yes, Mistress."
38. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
39. Mommy, I wanna grow up to be a neurotic bitch just like you.
40. A woman's favorite position is CEO.
41. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
42. Is it time for your medication or mine?
43. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
44. And which dwarf are you?
45. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
46. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
47. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.
48. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
49. When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
50. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
51. Meandering to a different drummer.
52. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
53. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
54. Earth is full. Go home.
55. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
56. Back off! You're standing in my aura.
57. It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.
58. Yeah, right! Like I'm going to put that icky thing in my mouth.
59. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
60. God was my co-pilot, but we crashed into the mountains and I had to eat him.
61. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
62. You! Off my planet!
63. I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.
64. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
65. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
66. Dyslexics have more nuf
67. Clones are people, two
68. Entropy isn't what it used to be
69. Microbiology Lab: Staph Only
70. Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses
71. Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor
72. Anything free is worth what you pay for it
73. Atheism is a non-prophet organization
74. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
75. Editing is a rewording activity
76. Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy
77. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure
78. My reality check just bounced
79. Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art
80. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
81. Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery
82. No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway
83. Boycott shampoo... Demand REAL poo!
84. IRS - Be audit you can be